I Know
by IvyBlooms
Summary: Things don't always go according to plan and life doesn't always turn out like we thought it would. Yusuke learned that the hard way-sometimes you don't always get what (or who) you want. Kurama/Yusuke, dysfunctional Yusuke/Keiko. Oneshot.


**Title:** I Know

 **Rating:** T

 **Pairings:** Kurama/Yusuke, Yusuke/Keiko

 **Summary:** Things don't always go according to plan and life doesn't always turn out like we thought it would. Yusuke learned that the hard way-sometimes you don't always get what (or who) you want.

 **Notes:** This piece is not a happy one. It's dark and there is mention of abuse and the abuse of alcohol, as well as emotional cheating. It ends on a bittersweet note, I guess. I was just in the mood to write some angst so get your tissues ready!

* * *

"Where are you going? It's nearly midnight."

Yusuke didn't even bother turning around as he slid on his jacket and stuffed his feet into his boots. The weather had taken a turn for the apocalyptic earlier and snow was piled high on the streets. The frigid cold of the outside was preferable to what stood behind him. He could tell by the tone of her voice that she was itching for a fight and the last thing he wanted right now was to have a knock-down-drag-out with her-just not tonight.

"Out." He responded simply, curtly. He knew that would rile her and he'd be lying if he said a small part of him didn't want to antagonize her before he made his great escape.

"Don't you work the morning shift tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Well, do you really think it's wise to go out and goof off when you have to be up early tomorrow?"

"Probably not."

Keiko sighed and it was filled with pent up frustration that Yusuke knew would be let loose soon if he kept baiting her. "Yusuke, I just got Mei to sleep and she's been running a fever all day."

"She's better now."

"The fever went down, yes, but she could relapse."

"You know my number; call me if she does."

The seal on her temper snapped and it was practically audible. "Yusuke! I don't ask for a lot from you! Your fucking daughter is sick so please try and think about someone besides yourself for once and grow up!"

"I've been there for Mei. Who was the one who picked her up from school today when they couldn't get a hold of you? Who was the one who took her to the doctor and got her prescription filled? Who was the one who held her while she threw up and shook and was miserable? Cause it sure as hell wasn't you! And why is that? Oh, that's right, cause you were off drinking with my mom!"

Keiko scoffed, "Yeah, for one damn day! I'm always here with Mei, taking care of her and the house and making sure that all the bills are paid up and that you have food on the table when you get home from work. So yeah, for one fucking day I went and drank myself into oblivion with your mom! Sue me!"

To an outsider, Keiko's argument would have made perfect sense and she would have been forgiven for her single lapse in judgement. But Yusuke knew the truth and he knew she was lying. He'd seen the bottles that she had tried to hide under their bed or on the top shelf of their closet and he'd watched how they were slowly emptied and eventually replaced with new ones. He'd even caught her on more than a few occasions guzzling a bottle in their bathroom-she looked just like his mother and he'd told her as much. She had vehemently denied the resemblance and slapped him.

"You know it's not just 'one fucking day' and I'm not going to sit here and argue with you about it. So go fucking take a chug out of that Vodka you've been hiding under the bed. I know you're just dying to crack it open."

Keiko's face fell and she appeared devastatingly wounded at the accusation, though she was well aware that it was true. "I just-things aren't going the way I wanted them to, Yusuke."

Yusuke rolled his eyes, not in the least bit interested in listening to Keiko's self pitying monologue-he'd heard it a hundred times before and he had not grown any more sympathetic.

"You're not the only one who isn't happy, Keiko, but I do what I have to. I put on brave face for our daughter and I go to work everyday at a job I hate so that you and Mei are taken care of. I gave up my fighting and separated myself from that world so that I could be around more for Mei and be a better father and husband. I gave up so much."

"I know you did."

"Then what the fuck do you want from me?!"

Tears welled in Keiko's eyes and Yusuke watched as they plopped onto the stained carpet. In the past before their love had rotted and turned sour, morphing into the twisted loathing they now harbored for each other, Yusuke would have wrapped Keiko in his large embrace and held her until her tears had dried up. He would have tenderly kissed her cheeks and brushed her hair behind her ear, cracking some sort of cheesy perverted joke that would inevitably earn him a halfhearted slap to the arm and a watery giggle.

There was no love left in him, though, and he walked out the door.

 **XXXX**

Yusuke ended up where he always did on nights like these. The familiar yellow door was illuminated by the dim flickering hall lights that lined the second floor of the apartment complex. Yusuke knew that yellow door well but what he truly desired and desperately craved was hidden behind it, masked by the faux charm of sunny colored paint and artificial light.

Yusuke wasn't quite sure how long he stared at that absurdly bright door, but at some point it was cracked open and a steady stream of warm air caressed his face, banishing the frigid cold that had stolen feeling from his cheeks.

"Hey," Yusuke greeted. He winced at the way his voice cracked, his throat raw from inhaling the icy air. "Do you need some company tonight?"

It was a rhetorical question for the door was already opening wider, a silent invitation to enter. Yusuke stepped inside, sighing at the cozy temperature, the ice practically melting from his limbs. He hadn't realize how stiff he'd been-how long had he been standing outside that door?

Yusuke kicked off his snow covered boots and tossed his coat over a peg near the door. He could practically hear the way his limbs creaked and moaned as his blood began pumping again and the chill disappeared, though he still felt cold inside.

"Did you have a fight with Keiko?"

It was the first time that the occupant of the apartment had spoken and the sound of it startled Yusuke.

"Yeah, sorry to impose, Kurama." Yusuke wasn't sorry at all and he could tell that Kurama knew that by the way the fox pursed his lips and closed the door with force.

"You can't come seek refuge here every time you have a spat with your wife, Yusuke." Kurama lectured. That wasn't true and Yusuke knew it. Kurama knew it. "You have to work these things out."

"I know."

Silence. Yusuke was fine with that. He was tired of talking, sick of yelling and not being heard-worse, being heard and then ignored. Keiko never gave him a moment of silence. She was always screaming at him about one thing or another, always complaining about how miserable she was, how she should have never married him, how they never had any money. This silence was exactly what he needed.

Kurama sensed that and disappeared into the kitchen while Yusuke settled himself on the sofa in front of the TV, which was softly playing the evening news. The apartment smelled of Kurama, sweet like fruit but spicy like cinnamon with a hint of some sort of exoticc scent that Yusuke couldn't quite put his finger on-though he suspected it may have been coming from one of the many strange looking potted plates decorating the room.

Kurama returned with a tray containing two mugs of fresh coffee, the same thing he always served whenever Yusuke showed up unannounced on his doorstep looking as if he'd just been swallowed up and then spit out by the worst of Makai's demon inhabitants. Yusuke took a mug without word and began sipping at it as Kurama did the same on the opposite end of the sofa.

"I'm afraid that I must insist that you return home to your wife, Yusuke." Kurama's voice was thick, careful. "As much as I enjoy our nights together, it is disrespectful to Keiko and I'll not be considered the _other man_."

"Keiko can kiss my ass." Yusuke really couldn't care less if Keiko felt disrespected or if she was crying her eyes out and suckling on a bottle of gin. He was done.

Kurama nodded, "Then go home for Mei."

"I love my daughter."

"I know you do. So go home."

"I love you."

Kurama did not respond. Somewhere in the distance a cat yowled in the dark and a car alarm blared, ignored. It seemed like Yusuke had had this same conversation numerous times and always with the same result. Silence. Kurama never reacted to his confession, never looked at him and never said a word. It had hurt at first, burned like flames licking at his heart, but now it was expected and Yusuke just sank further into the sofa, placing the hot ceramic mug against his skin, watching with mild fascination as it turned red.

"I did what I thought was right, at the time." Yusuke grumbled, slicing through the quiet, "When we found out she was pregnant, we got married. I got a job and Keiko finished high school. We were happy for a while. When she had Mei and I held that baby in my arms I thought there was nothing that could make me happier than to make sure that that little girl grew up knowing all the love in the world." Yusuke choked out a bitter laugh, "I was wrong, obviously."

Kurama licked his lips, his knuckles turning white as he squeezed his mug, "You did the honorable thing."

"Honor," Yusuke scoffed at the word he had once believed to be an integral part of him. Now, Yusuke wasn't quite sure he even knew what honor was. "The other day I slapped Keiko." Shame flooded him as he recalled the stinging of his palm after it made contact with his wife's cheek.

He had never struck her before, although she had thrown more punches than he could remember at all parts of him. Yusuke could have stopped her at anytime, could have grabbed her skinny wrists and flung her across the room or snapped one of the delicate bones beneath her soft skin. He could have done it so easily. Yusuke would be lying if he said he hadn't fantasized about it a few times. That wasn't honorable. Yusuke no longer had honor for if he did he would be back at his apartment, apologizing to his wife and trying to work things out with her, if not for their sake then for the sake of their child who was caught unwillingly in the crossfire of their epic war.

Kurama, for once, appeared at a loss for words. It was startling and, more so, frightening. Perhaps Yusuke had finally stepped over the edge of Kurama's tolerance for his behavior and the fox was going to throw him out. But if Kurama did that, Yusuke had no one else to turn to. He'd lost contact with Kuwabara and Yukina after they had moved to Tokyo-Yukina had wanted to try her hand at attending a human university and Kuwabara had landed a solid job at some company, one that he would have been stupid to turn down. Hiei had disappeared into the depths of Makai with no word to anyone, not even Kurama, years ago and had not resurfaced since, though there had been rumors that he was working closely with Mukuro in the lower levels to dismantle trafficking groups. Koenma and Botan were foggy memories of a past life, Yusuke hadn't heard from them since Mei was born when they showed up unexpectedly in the hospital to drop off a basket of goodies for the baby. It had been a quick and awkward visit, they hadn't bothered to keep in contact after that; Though that wasn't necessarily fair because Yusuke hadn't exactly made it a priority to check in on them either.

The only person that Yusuke had left was Kurama, who attended a local university to be close to Shiori. Yusuke strongly suspected that he was just biding his time until his human mother passed on and then so would he, back to Makai which Yusuke knew he desperately missed. Then, once and for all, Yusuke would truly be alone.

"Then you should apologize and never do it again." Kurama spoke firmly, unrelenting in his resolve.

"Huh?" Yusuke had almost forgotten what they'd been talking about, "Oh, yeah. I did, I guess. She said it was fine."

"You're a mess, Yusuke."

"I know."

Those green eyes flashed sharply and Yusuke knew his passive answers were finally searing away at the last of Kurama's patience. "You need to go home."

"I don't have a home, not anymore. That place, it feels like a prison. I'd rather face the Toguro brothers, Sensui, and all the demon kings at once then go back there again."

Kurama lowered his gaze to Yusuke's fingers which rattled noisily against his mug, his hands shaking as if they were about to explode.

Yusuke saw Kurama move before he really registered what was happening. The redhead swept Yusuke into his arms, an embrace, he realized after a moment. The mug was jiggled from his grasp and placed on the coffee table before he was encased in a cocoon of warm acceptance. This was new.

"W-what are you doing?"

Kurama squeezed. Hard. Yusuke's breath caught in his throat and his eyes suddenly filled with water, blurring his vision. Was he dreaming? Surely he had to be. While Kurama always welcomed Yusuke to spend a night or two at his place, he never touched him-nothing even as innocent as a handshake. There was a line and it was distinct, Kurama would not cross it no matter how much Yusuke wished him to. But Kurama was leaping over it now, throwing caution to the wind.

"This is cruel, Yusuke."

"I don't mean to be."

"That only makes it worse." Kurama groaned, "How am I supposed to maintain control and morality when you tempt me this way? When you throw your troubles with Keiko in my face, thus giving me an out to justify my inappropriate actions."

Yusuke chuckled, but it sounded harsh. "It's not inappropriate if I invite it."

"You have a wife and child. This is wrong."

"Hiei would say that's your human morality talking, Kurama. Yoko would have already taken what he wanted without a second thought and whisked me away to Makai where no one could ever find us."

"I can't hide you away in Makai." Kurama laughed, "My apartment will have to do for now."

"I don't love Keiko." Yusuke breathed, "It's always been you. Before Mei was born, before Keiko and I started dating, before all of that. I was made for you." A tear splashed against the red of Kurama's hair.

"Fate is cruel."

"She's a right bitch."

Strained laughter. Tense silence. Yusuke tangled in Kurama's arms like some twisted web.

Kurama spoke, "You have to go home, Yusuke."

"I know." Pause, "I love you."

"I know." A long deep breath, "I love you too."

"One day," Kurama promised, stroking Yusuke's cheek with a solitary finger; Their foreheads were touching and their eyes met. "One day, when Mei is grown and you have left Keiko for good, come find me."

"You know I hate waiting."

Kurama smiled sadly, "As do I. But listen to me carefully, Yusuke. One day, when you have settled your affairs with Keiko and your daughter, come to me then. I will give you everything that I can't now."

Tears fell, plinking against the soft leather of the sofa and Yusuke tried desperately to blink them away. Kurama kissed his lids and as he drew his lips away he took the salty droplets with him.

"Until then, you cannot return to my apartment, not like this. I deserve better. Keiko deserves better."

"I know." Yusuke was so tired of saying that, "I'm sorry."

"Go home. Apologize to Keiko and then be there for you daughter and when that day comes, find me." Kurama pulled back then and Yusuke wanted to cry all over again and plead with him to come back.

"I will." Yusuke said instead, "Wait for me?"

"You know I will. I am a very patient man."

There was nothing more to be said and though Yusuke felt like his heart was breaking, shattering into a thousand unidentifiable pieces, he pulled on his boots and threw his coat over his shoulder and walked right out the door without another word.

* * *

 **Note:** Well, I hope I didn't break your hearts too much, loves. Just know that at some point, they will have their happy ending.

In other news, I am about 20k words into my YYH fic that I've been working on for months. I don't plan on posting it until it is complete, but I am proud of my progress and thought I'd share. The main pairing is Kurama/Yusuke and then eventual Kurama/Hiei/Yusuke. If you'd like more info, check out my profile with the full synopsis.

Thanks for reading!


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